The Greatest Poker Jokes of All Time

7 months ago

Poker is a funny game; it can make you laugh, and it can make you pull your hair out in equal measure! It’s not surprising that over the years, poker and poker players have become the topic of a number of jokes – some a lot better than others. We’ve collected some of our favourite poker jokes, so take a look below and let us know which one you like the most!

Jokes About Poker Players

Poker players are easy targets for jokes. The outside world sees us as miserable, degenerate gamblers who throw their money away chasing a pipe dream… of course, we know better; right?

What is the difference between a Phil Hellmuth and God?

God doesn’t think he’s a Phil Hellmuth.

How do you get a professional poker player off your doorstep?

Pay him for the pizza.

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a poker player?

A large pizza can feed a family of four!

What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?

In about ten years the dog quits whining.

What is the biggest difference between a church and a poker room?

In a poker room, you really mean it when you pray!

How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?

His chips are moving.

Two friends walk out of a poker game. One is in his underwear, and the other is stark naked.

The naked man tells his friend, “My friend, you always know exactly when to stop, and I respect you for that.“

A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. “Quit playing poker forever right now and I’ll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars,” said the little fellow.

The player replied, “Let me get even first.”

Jokes Made At The Table

Poker players are an interesting bunch; we sit at a table for hours on end, trying to take each other’s money, yet still manage to be friendly with everyone around us! Players love to make jokes at the table, usually at their own expense!

“I don’t even fold my laundry.”

“It’s only a gambling problem when I’m losing.”

“You know you’re running bad when the only things you say all night are ‘Nice hand’, ‘Well played’ and ‘Chips’!”

“I’m gonna fold, I was looking for a five or a ten,” “Oh, going for a straight?” “No, a pair!”

“Checks are for the bank.”

“I have the best hand, but I’ll let you win ‘cause that pot will push me into the next tax bracket.”

“What did you have?” “Chlamydia in college.”

“Give me five dollars and I’ll tell you what I have, give me 10 dollars and I’ll tell you what I really have or give me 20 dollars and I’ll show you my cards.”

“You play your money how you want to, I’ll play my wife’s money how I want to!”

“There are only 3 ways to play pocket Jacks and they’re all wrong.”

Jokes By Professional Comedians

It’s not just players at the table who crack wise about poker; even professional comedians get in on the act!

“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.” – W.C. Fields

“I tell ya. Las Vegas, they got slot machines all over, even in supermarkets. I went in to buy a container of milk. Cost me $238.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.” – George Carlin

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” – Steve Wright

“Poker has the feeling of a sport, but you don’t have to do push-ups.” – Penn Jillette

Joe Stapleton Hall Of Fame

We have to give a special shout-out to poker commentator and stand-up comedian Joe Stapleton; his work on the EPT and Pokerstars livestream has brought out some hilarious one-liners that we’d like to share with you.

“Like Michaelangelo’s David, he’s got the stone nuts.”

“Oh boy. This flop has so much action it stars Jason Statham.”

“Monaco is so expensive, even neutrons get charged.”

“Like the lovemaking at Glastonbury that last hand was intense.”

“I don’t want to say Monaco is expensive, but the fountain outside my hotel is full of bitcoins.”

“People used to call me and my girlfriend the Doyle Brunson because we’re a 10 and a 2.”

Poker Puns

Who doesn’t like a good pun?

After a long illness, my father passed away yesterday in Las Vegas.

He’s in a “bettor” place.

Why did the beginner fold all their even-numbered cards?

Because they were told to play the odds.

Why does the King only play poker on the toilet?

Because he’s guaranteed a royal flush!

What do you call a poker player who is also a doctor?

A card-iologist.

Why doesn’t anybody play poker in zoos?

The zoos have too many cheetahs.

Why do poker players only like good music?

They hate bad beats.

What do a poker player and a butcher have in common?

At some point, both will raise the steaks.

Why did a poker player frustrate the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don’t know what a full house is.

Summary

It helps to see the funny side of things when playing poker, and these poker jokes will certainly help you do that! Which one of our list is your favourite? Are there any that we missed? Let us know on social media or in the comments below!

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